True Stories, Pt. 1

Here's an email I sent Nick B some time ago. The stuff underlined is the stuff I've written today as I remember things:

I have some body armour - it's resistant against 9mm bullets and also 7.62mm armour piercing bullets (when I put in the hard plates). I know what you're thinking 'Oh wow, that's the best thing I have ever heard'. Well, you're right. I got it from work, they were throwing it out. I thought to myself daamn, if there's one thing in life that I truly need, it's body armour. Sure, I can use it as a training weights vest, but the real reason is that it's cool and I can finally live out my dream of being a vigilante who patrols the Thames Valley region (anywhere within 30 minutes commuting distance).

I thought I'd email you because I'm on my lunch break at work (eating a lovely miso soup concoction) and I have just watched a video of Japanesemen climbing in Rocklands. Grant is psyched about going too. I saw him yesterday. And Jon Partridge. That guy... I won't dwell on him. Damm this miso soup is amazing. When you get back  you can come over to my new flat (Nick Harvey and myself are moving in together, strictly platonic. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy, there's just no attraction there.). Tell me about yourself and how you're getting on?

Jon wanted me to film him, to show off his 'training'. Thank god he emailed me the request, because I would have laughed in his face. I wrote him a really accurate pitch, which basically shows off exactly what he does do in a 'training session'. His attitude is getting too much now. We went to a little comp at Reading, Jon turns up wearing sunglasses and a gold jacket, followed by a huge black gentleman with a dog lead around his neck (named Lloyd), Jon was holding the other end. Some poor punter walked up to him and asked him whether he liked his new Evolves. Jon turned around with a shocked look on his pasty white face and just vomited on the kid. Like a black bile vomit. Disgusting. After vomiting, Jon had a weird sly smile with bits of sick dripping at the corners of his mouth. Fortunately, Lloyd was close at hand to lick it clean. The kid started crying and Jon just looked him up and down and whispered 'take him' to Lloyd. Heaven knows what happened to the kid.

Then later it got properly awkward, because Jon was just walking around with his bodyguard (I assume), not even wearing his climbing kit and walking up to problems saying 'done' or 'tick that one Lloyd, that's a flash'. He didn't even climb. Finally, Tom Vassen plucked up the courage to approach Jon about his behaviour, but that went poorly. Jon just stared at Tom, with that weird sickly grin he has, and then the spitting began. Everyone turned to watch and Tom just stood there, shocked, whilst Jon kept spitting. Eventually, after 4 minutes, Jon finally ran out of spittle. He face reminded me of a rabid Koala. He then turned to 'Lloyd' and whispered 'I want him'. Never saw Tom again.**

Suffice to say, I think Jon's new Moorcroft Pottery sponsorship has gone straight to his head.



** Tom was found after 2 weeks of searching. He was found gagged and bound in the women's disabled toilet. He's ok, apparently you can live with the penis as an internal organ...

The child still hasn't been found.

Pain

My arms hurt because I've been training a lot and I think I have strained them. I went to Westway on Saturday and I climbed for a bit (1 hour) and then said to Nick (who was there) 'Ahh, Nick, my arms really hurt, I'm going to stop', to which he replied his ever present condescending tone 'Ok'. As I was preparing to leave I saw Adrian and had some banter with him about being addicted to crack cocaine and steroids. This was funny because I haven't tried neither and I doubt I ever will. We both laughed and I walked away happy. I then packed up my stuff and left via the main entrance.

I like to organise my time efficiently so I had other motives for going to London to climb: I was going to see Liam's band play in Camden. I have never seen his band (Lieutenant), but I felt that then (last Saturday) was the best time, since it was on the weekend and I could go climbing beforehand. Getting to the gig was most vexing since it was in Camden (as mentioned) and the tube always seems to be broken on the weekend. I thought to myself damn it why is it always broken on the weekend, when all the tourists use it? and then I thought Ahhhh of course Will, the money that tourism brings in is nothing compared to what banks and stuff do, so that's why! YES! I then kept on walking with a bemused look on my face when I figured out the truth. Finally, I reached Camden town station and marched over to the venue (the journey took longer than I thought because I got lost around the estates in Camden and went up the wrong roads. Fortunately, I didn't see any hoodlums with knives otherwise I would be writing this in a cybercafe in Coventry (If the hoodlums had tried to attack me, I would have defended myself using my brutal hand to hand combat skills which would have led to my would-be attackers dying from my violent onslaught and me having to go on the run for a while, until the law give up the chase)). I must add that this has never happened in all my 26 years thinking it might (touch wood, I don't want to go on the run). I always wondered how effective I would be in a fight. Once my friends and I were attacked by some chav kids in Wycombe, when I was 14. My survival instincts kicked in straight away and I ran off. Most of my friends weren't as fast as me so couldn't keep pace, if that was a live or die situation I would have survived. I'm slightly stronger now and have more knowledge about hand to hand combat. Hmm, maybe I should go around seeking duels with other people in order to get more experience about combat, like what (some) ronin did during the feudal era in Japan (1185-1868). Maybe I'd start in India or somewhere, where the population are small and malnourished. Then I could work my way up to more affluent countries. Not sure how I'd start the duel, perhaps I should advertise it on a lamp-post or something. Hmm. This definitely needs more thought.

I'm actually a bit tired of writing this now, in might summarise what happened after (when I got to the venue).

1. Got to the venue
2. Eat a bag of chips and went to the Jon's flat
3. Went back to the venue
4. Saw old friends like Jon, Tom, Liam, Brian, Rory, Alice, Alex, Neil, Alex, Kelly and Tom.
5. I parked my car at Westway and missed the last train so had to get a taxi back to it. Alex was annoyed but I was expecting to miss the last train and I liked the walked from where I left it to the station, I forgot about the whole 'getting back to the car' thing.
6. Got home at 2am. My ears were ringing from the music. That really annoyed me. Next time I'll bring ear plugs.

Amendment

I have found one survivor of the destruction of my MSN Spaces blog - my photos plus inane captions. I think you can see how my humour has changed over the years. From being really crap to just crap.

If the link doesn't work, can someone write it in the comments? I have no idea who I'm writing that too. I'm the only person who reads this thing.

https://skydrive.live.com/?sc=photos#sc=photos