True Stories, Pt. 2

Jon asked me to give him ideas for a training video which he can show off to 'people who are just starting their climbing careers'. I told him 'Jon, you're emailing the right person, I used to work in TV, plus, I already have an idea.'

Here's my pitch -

It starts at a climbing centre (probably Westway because they let you get in for free, because of your British Bouldering Team fraud). A few shots of various climbers failing on easy things, to give the viewer the impression that help is needed. HELP WILL SOON BE AT HAND. 

A medium shot of you standing in a climbing centre, climbers walk past you, looking at you and then continuing on their journey.

'Hi I'm Jon Partridge, international rock climbing sensation. I know what you're thinking. STOP. Think again. I'm here to get you almost as good as me. Now, let's begin.' You're wearing a bright yellow t shirt (that passes the Jon Partridge t-shirt Test) which says 'The future starts with me' and very short (yet fashionable) purple shorts.

You move to some weights on the floor.

'Ok, weights. Iron. Pumping da guns. I know every word for them, and every way of lifting them. Always, and that's a JP always, lift them topless. Start with curls, the idea isn't about how many reps or sets, but on looking good.' You pick up a 3kg weight and do a few reps. 'Ok I'm done.'

You then jog (more like a mince) over to climbing wall.

'Here is it. The main feature. The climbing wall. If you want to get good at climbing, you'll need to climb this. I can climb all over this, well, huh, that's because I'm the JP. But you can't. STOP. Yes you can. I can help you. Watch me' You proceed to crush a V2. You're visibly sweating.

'Woo, I'm working up a sweet. That's good, that means you're working hard. Ok stretch out.' You do some stretches. 'Ok I'm done. Next time we'll talk about double dynoing, how to power scream when women are nearby and how to make idle chit chat with dicks. Ok, now you always end the sess with a trip to the showers. It's a great way to get clean. Beats a bath. In fact is way better for the environment. Race you!!' You jog (mince) to the showers. Slapping the bums of several climbers on the way. Loads of young male climbers proceed to follow you to the showers.

END

Well, that's my 3 minute video idea. Should be a great way to help beginners understand just what you go through during your sessions.

What you think? I'll direct, and Brown can film?

Being amazing

I always knew I was different, special even. People would say 'Will's such a cool person', and I'd be like 'Cheers Gary' and he'd go 'How could you hear me?'. I never knew. NOW I DO. I've just had a hearing test at work (part of the health and safety stuff) and I not only passed, I have the best hearing in the ENTIRE COMPANY. 400 people +. The guy doing the test asked me whether I cheated, I said no, he said well you couldn't anyway, this test is designed so it can't be cheated. I told him that I knew I was special. Superhuman. It's my senses. I have great eyesight, taste and smell. I'm basically like Wolverine, but without the healing, strength, claws, hirsuteness, courage, longevity and Adamantium skeleton. I need to think of a way I can use my power to save people. Maybe I'll patrol the streets of Amersham. I'll hear police sirens and rush over (probably drive) and say 'Hi, I heard your sirens from about 2 miles away, how can I help?', they'd reply 'Thank God you're here, ok, we have 4 really hot ladies trapped in that burning building, use your heightened senses to get them out. Dammit. Ahhh fire, hurry, it's get hotter'. 'Ok, I'll do what I can'. I'll then proceed to rescue them. Hmm. While that sounds fun, mostly likely I'd be watching TV and hear the sirens and think ahh fuck that, Frozen Planet is on. Still, it's the thought that counts. I'd have to wear a mask or something. Actually, thinking about it, if they said about rescuing the ladies from a burning building, I'd have to decline. Firstly, the smoke and heat would ruin my sense of smell and secondly, that's pretty dangerous and I lack even the most basic fire fighting equipment.