Bored

What I am doing right now:

Listening to an album by Walls called Coracle
Watching a Youtube video of American people at shooting ranges
Googling 'contemporary' because I wasn't confident that I could spell it correctly

I'm quite bored.

My Hueco trip is getting closer and my training is still plodding along nicely. I don't feel particularly strong. I guess I feel stronger than when I was 13. I guess that's mainly because when I was 13, I was suffering from a severe case of appendicitis. I almost died. I was at school and started throwing up everywhere. Then I went home (got a lift) and the doctor came round and said 'Oh right, well I dunno what's up'. Then went to hospital and they cut my abdomen open and threw my septic appendix at a bin (I actually wanted to keep it, but I was told that I couldn't because 'it was all dissolved and most of it is floating around your body, hence the near death experience'). I've forgotten why I started writing this, I guess I wanted to talk about dying. I wasn't really aware that I could have died since I have a huge amount of faith in modern medicine (hence why when my dad had a heart attack and was rushed to hospital, I was almost indifferent) and also when I was 13, I had a very nonchalant outlook on life.

When I go to Hueco, I really want to go to a shooting range. That's a big plus point about going to America. I'm interested in firing at someones feet (probably Jon's) and forcing him to dance around (like in Back to the Future III). Hmm, I doubt the owners of the range would allow that though. Probably a big risk of a ricochet or perhaps young kids will see me do it and so try to emulate it at home, even though they lack the required hand eye co-ordination which I have in abundance.

Music

I like listening to music and also finding new music. It's almost a hobby. I guess I enjoy listening to music so much due to my exceptional (and bordering on superhuman) sense of hearing. I can probably hear parts of the song that only dogs can hear ( I did try and make my old dog (dead) listen to some music using headphones but it was a disaster (deaf)). I jest, she didn't go deaf straight away but she did display absolutely no interest in the music. She did later become deaf and then died. No idea what killed her, but we found her dead on the sofa in the morning and I had to dig a hole for her. It was really cold and the ground in the garden was hard, but fortunately I was working as a hod carrier at the time so I was deceptively strong and had a high endurance for physical labour. I dug a little hole for her, then wrapped her up in her favourite (her only) towel, struggling somewhat to contain the huge amount of crap that had dribbled out of her due to her now non-functional anal sphincter muscles. A bit dribbled onto the carpet. I then walked outside and tried to delicately plonk her into the grave. This is where I realised that when I dug her grave, I choose the proportions based on her sleeping naturally, all curled up. She probably did sleep like that on the night she died, but by the morning, the effects of rigor mortis had kicked in and now she was all stretched out. I had to carefully 'bend' her to fit into the ill fitting grave, so she took on a U shape. I then had to 'force' her legs to fit further into the grave, Megan had some surprising strength even in death! Suffice to say, she did eventually 'fit'. I then refilled the grave and ate breakfast and then went to work. I'm not exactly sure why I just wrote that.

Here is some music I have been listening too:
Delicate Steve
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N26gNghLDpU&feature=related
Reflecting Skin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6zdj5nazkQ
Three Trapped Tigers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZublJ5TLb8Y
Frank Fairfield
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oz70zSfVcdY
Washed Out
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fYnfE5Cycg
War on Drugs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMToQg0vSds
Russian Circles
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2-hJtJrXxc
Adebisi Shank
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXxhKMmJLtk
Minus Baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6R9Vh9BD7ro&feature=related
Emeralds
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDw6tUiTfkE
Dels
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjAnmqecMKI

Photos

I like taking photos and here are some photos I have taken. Nick used to be really strong and good at rock climbing. He doesn't really climb anymore. I still do, but kind of getting annoyed with it so might stop. My fingers hurt too.

Nick doing the gardening

Nick sizing up Jack the Chipper in Magic wood

Nick grabbing the final jug on Hohenrausch in Magic Wood

 Some random couple having their photo taken on their wedding day

End of the Road revisited.

I thought that I'd should write a bit more about EotR since it was a good festival. There was a good mix of music and a nice 'scene', while there was more people this year, it didn't really feel to over crowded. The food was amazing, my favourite was the crepe places and also the rotisserie chicken food place.

I fell in love with the young lady who served the chicken (I called her Lady Rotisserie). I saw her away from the chicken counter and thought hmm, I should say something to her. But then decided not to because she seemed busy. Then on the final night, we were all walking to see Joanna Newsom and while walking past I told everyone 'Now is the time to talk to her!'. Alex told me 'Don't do it, you'll make her awkward and you'll embarrass yourself'. I thought hmm no I won't, I'll be ok, my brain will think of something. We got to the crowd and I suddenly turned around and said 'I'm doing it'. I walked up to the chicken counter and saw that the Lady was cleaning, she was alone and wasn't serving anyone. PERFECT! I finally got to the counter. And that's when I forgot how to speak (while I mentally planned the walking up bit in minute detail, I didn't apply the same attention to the speaking part (some would say the most important part)). She looked up and saw me just standing there, kind of staring at her and also looking around, fidgeting. Then she started staring at me in return (probably thinking why is this handsome person starring at me?. I mumbled 'Errr, Heeeeelllo, I really like your chicken'. She replied 'Great, thanks'. I was really struggling now. 'Heh, er how do you make it?'. She was obviously getting weirded out by now since she had gone back to her cleaning 'I dunno, we just season it and cook it'. My brain was going mental. 'Do you get a chance to watch the bands?', I thought good Will, that's better. She perks up, 'Yeah I'm looking forward to seeing Joanna Newsom'. While most people would capitalise on this, my brain was still having a mild panic attack. I didn't capitalise. 'Oh wow, yeah she's good'. Wondering where she lives (for some reason I thought I could take her climbing), I said 'Where you guys based?' (I thought it would be rude (and weird) to ask her straight away 'Where do you live?'). She replied 'Well, The companies from Shrewsbury, but I'm from Manchester'. This is where it went downhill. Realising that I could no longer effectively court her, since we're so far apart, my brain goes into abort mode. I struggled to think of something to say. I have poor knowledge of Manchester except that it's relatively close to the Peak and there's climbing centres there (I must add that while thinking about Manchester, I was just standing there, starring right her her with a blank look on my face). All of which didn't help my reply. 'Oh Great, er, there's good climbing in Manchester'. Oh god, why did you say that? She replied 'Ah right, climbing'. My brain was thinking Game Over by this point, no use it saving it, best head off and get a crepe, ah yes a crepe, those things are delicious, which one should I get? Obviously a banana, sugar and butter one. Yes, it's decided, I'll get a crepe. Realising that I was still staring at the girl with a weird vacant expression on my face due to thinking intensely about crepes, I lurched back to reality. I said 'Cool, have fun at Joanna Newsom, I'm going to get a crepe. Cheerio!'. Walking off, I thought to myself Ahh that went well. Hmm, I've got more confident since then.

She was very pretty and worked for the Roaming Rotiserrie company, if anyone knows her, can they tell her that I'm really not that weird.

This was the campsite when we arrived at the 2009 festival, the 2011 one was busy

This is Neko Case

This is Explosions in the Sky

True Stories, Pt. 2

Jon asked me to give him ideas for a training video which he can show off to 'people who are just starting their climbing careers'. I told him 'Jon, you're emailing the right person, I used to work in TV, plus, I already have an idea.'

Here's my pitch -

It starts at a climbing centre (probably Westway because they let you get in for free, because of your British Bouldering Team fraud). A few shots of various climbers failing on easy things, to give the viewer the impression that help is needed. HELP WILL SOON BE AT HAND. 

A medium shot of you standing in a climbing centre, climbers walk past you, looking at you and then continuing on their journey.

'Hi I'm Jon Partridge, international rock climbing sensation. I know what you're thinking. STOP. Think again. I'm here to get you almost as good as me. Now, let's begin.' You're wearing a bright yellow t shirt (that passes the Jon Partridge t-shirt Test) which says 'The future starts with me' and very short (yet fashionable) purple shorts.

You move to some weights on the floor.

'Ok, weights. Iron. Pumping da guns. I know every word for them, and every way of lifting them. Always, and that's a JP always, lift them topless. Start with curls, the idea isn't about how many reps or sets, but on looking good.' You pick up a 3kg weight and do a few reps. 'Ok I'm done.'

You then jog (more like a mince) over to climbing wall.

'Here is it. The main feature. The climbing wall. If you want to get good at climbing, you'll need to climb this. I can climb all over this, well, huh, that's because I'm the JP. But you can't. STOP. Yes you can. I can help you. Watch me' You proceed to crush a V2. You're visibly sweating.

'Woo, I'm working up a sweet. That's good, that means you're working hard. Ok stretch out.' You do some stretches. 'Ok I'm done. Next time we'll talk about double dynoing, how to power scream when women are nearby and how to make idle chit chat with dicks. Ok, now you always end the sess with a trip to the showers. It's a great way to get clean. Beats a bath. In fact is way better for the environment. Race you!!' You jog (mince) to the showers. Slapping the bums of several climbers on the way. Loads of young male climbers proceed to follow you to the showers.

END

Well, that's my 3 minute video idea. Should be a great way to help beginners understand just what you go through during your sessions.

What you think? I'll direct, and Brown can film?

True Stories, Pt. 1

Here's an email I sent Nick B some time ago. The stuff underlined is the stuff I've written today as I remember things:

I have some body armour - it's resistant against 9mm bullets and also 7.62mm armour piercing bullets (when I put in the hard plates). I know what you're thinking 'Oh wow, that's the best thing I have ever heard'. Well, you're right. I got it from work, they were throwing it out. I thought to myself daamn, if there's one thing in life that I truly need, it's body armour. Sure, I can use it as a training weights vest, but the real reason is that it's cool and I can finally live out my dream of being a vigilante who patrols the Thames Valley region (anywhere within 30 minutes commuting distance).

I thought I'd email you because I'm on my lunch break at work (eating a lovely miso soup concoction) and I have just watched a video of Japanesemen climbing in Rocklands. Grant is psyched about going too. I saw him yesterday. And Jon Partridge. That guy... I won't dwell on him. Damm this miso soup is amazing. When you get back  you can come over to my new flat (Nick Harvey and myself are moving in together, strictly platonic. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy, there's just no attraction there.). Tell me about yourself and how you're getting on?

Jon wanted me to film him, to show off his 'training'. Thank god he emailed me the request, because I would have laughed in his face. I wrote him a really accurate pitch, which basically shows off exactly what he does do in a 'training session'. His attitude is getting too much now. We went to a little comp at Reading, Jon turns up wearing sunglasses and a gold jacket, followed by a huge black gentleman with a dog lead around his neck (named Lloyd), Jon was holding the other end. Some poor punter walked up to him and asked him whether he liked his new Evolves. Jon turned around with a shocked look on his pasty white face and just vomited on the kid. Like a black bile vomit. Disgusting. After vomiting, Jon had a weird sly smile with bits of sick dripping at the corners of his mouth. Fortunately, Lloyd was close at hand to lick it clean. The kid started crying and Jon just looked him up and down and whispered 'take him' to Lloyd. Heaven knows what happened to the kid.

Then later it got properly awkward, because Jon was just walking around with his bodyguard (I assume), not even wearing his climbing kit and walking up to problems saying 'done' or 'tick that one Lloyd, that's a flash'. He didn't even climb. Finally, Tom Vassen plucked up the courage to approach Jon about his behaviour, but that went poorly. Jon just stared at Tom, with that weird sickly grin he has, and then the spitting began. Everyone turned to watch and Tom just stood there, shocked, whilst Jon kept spitting. Eventually, after 4 minutes, Jon finally ran out of spittle. He face reminded me of a rabid Koala. He then turned to 'Lloyd' and whispered 'I want him'. Never saw Tom again.**

Suffice to say, I think Jon's new Moorcroft Pottery sponsorship has gone straight to his head.



** Tom was found after 2 weeks of searching. He was found gagged and bound in the women's disabled toilet. He's ok, apparently you can live with the penis as an internal organ...

The child still hasn't been found.

Sodium is an alkali metal.

Many things have happened to me since my last entry. I have spent some money on plane tickets to El Paso, USA. I have been training a lot and I have been involved in a minor car accident (not an accident). I went climbing today at Amersham and I have decided that I'm crap at climbing. It's really hard and I don't think my body is naturally strong. I used to work on a building site with my brother in law (Glenn) so I was once very strong. Hmm. I've forgotten what I was going to write about. Ah, now I've forgotten everything. Damn it. My memory is bad. Well, actually it's not that bad. I can remember being spoon fed food when I was a toddler and being taken around in a pram thing. More like my short term memory is bad.

On Saturday we (Grant, Jon, Nick Harvey and me) went to The Castle in London. I like that place, there's generally a good amount of pretty ladies to give me the required psych to climb. I hate how it only sells vegan crappy food in the cafe area. I walk up to the counter and think 'Oh sweet, a pasty!' only to find that it's 100% meat free. Piss off. Even their cola is a stupid alternative cola, I guess selling proper Coca Cola or Pepsi is too corporate for them. Ahhhh. Coca Cola is fucking delicious. It's way nicer than that other crap. If it wasn't so tasty, it wouldn't be so popular. Hmm. Vegans. Still, they do sell Mars Bars and Opal Fruits so it's not all bad. We drove to The Castle in Jon's smart, yet ostentatious Mercedes. Within 5 minutes of getting into the car, Nick H had managed to find a way to remotely cut out all the music and also make an alarm sound go off. This annoyed Jon, which is exactly what Nick wanted. I don't know why Jon does this to himself. It's like the battered wife syndrome, always coming back. Once Nick repeatedly threw Jon's climbing shoes down a hill. I guess it's bullying, if you look into the technical definition of the term. Anyway, we were driving along when we came up to traffic. Jon wasn't pleased. He had to be back by 5 in order to base the thanksgiving turkey at his friends place. I looked at him and I knew something was up. Anger. The traffic moved forward a bit. Jon drove on and then police sirens went off at the opposite road, I turned forward and saw the car keep moving into the car in front. Fortunately, Jon's crappy crash alert system went off a good 0.5 seconds before we hit, which was enough time for me to go 'SHIIIITTT JOOONNN!!'. BANG. Well, it was more of a dull thud. Jon was livid. Not only did he bump into a car with all the fault being his own, the car in front was a BMW. I'm pretty sure he thought it was a Kia or something and so assumed that they'd pull over to let him pass... I'm getting bored of writing this now, so I'll wrap it up. Jon was annoyed for the rest of the day. I had one of the worst climbing sessions of my recent climbing life. We drove back and I watched a film called The Proposition. It's about early Australia. A good film.


I think I'll write another blog thing when my brain is feeling fresher.