True Stories, Pt. 2

Jon asked me to give him ideas for a training video which he can show off to 'people who are just starting their climbing careers'. I told him 'Jon, you're emailing the right person, I used to work in TV, plus, I already have an idea.'

Here's my pitch -

It starts at a climbing centre (probably Westway because they let you get in for free, because of your British Bouldering Team fraud). A few shots of various climbers failing on easy things, to give the viewer the impression that help is needed. HELP WILL SOON BE AT HAND. 

A medium shot of you standing in a climbing centre, climbers walk past you, looking at you and then continuing on their journey.

'Hi I'm Jon Partridge, international rock climbing sensation. I know what you're thinking. STOP. Think again. I'm here to get you almost as good as me. Now, let's begin.' You're wearing a bright yellow t shirt (that passes the Jon Partridge t-shirt Test) which says 'The future starts with me' and very short (yet fashionable) purple shorts.

You move to some weights on the floor.

'Ok, weights. Iron. Pumping da guns. I know every word for them, and every way of lifting them. Always, and that's a JP always, lift them topless. Start with curls, the idea isn't about how many reps or sets, but on looking good.' You pick up a 3kg weight and do a few reps. 'Ok I'm done.'

You then jog (more like a mince) over to climbing wall.

'Here is it. The main feature. The climbing wall. If you want to get good at climbing, you'll need to climb this. I can climb all over this, well, huh, that's because I'm the JP. But you can't. STOP. Yes you can. I can help you. Watch me' You proceed to crush a V2. You're visibly sweating.

'Woo, I'm working up a sweet. That's good, that means you're working hard. Ok stretch out.' You do some stretches. 'Ok I'm done. Next time we'll talk about double dynoing, how to power scream when women are nearby and how to make idle chit chat with dicks. Ok, now you always end the sess with a trip to the showers. It's a great way to get clean. Beats a bath. In fact is way better for the environment. Race you!!' You jog (mince) to the showers. Slapping the bums of several climbers on the way. Loads of young male climbers proceed to follow you to the showers.

END

Well, that's my 3 minute video idea. Should be a great way to help beginners understand just what you go through during your sessions.

What you think? I'll direct, and Brown can film?

True Stories, Pt. 1

Here's an email I sent Nick B some time ago. The stuff underlined is the stuff I've written today as I remember things:

I have some body armour - it's resistant against 9mm bullets and also 7.62mm armour piercing bullets (when I put in the hard plates). I know what you're thinking 'Oh wow, that's the best thing I have ever heard'. Well, you're right. I got it from work, they were throwing it out. I thought to myself daamn, if there's one thing in life that I truly need, it's body armour. Sure, I can use it as a training weights vest, but the real reason is that it's cool and I can finally live out my dream of being a vigilante who patrols the Thames Valley region (anywhere within 30 minutes commuting distance).

I thought I'd email you because I'm on my lunch break at work (eating a lovely miso soup concoction) and I have just watched a video of Japanesemen climbing in Rocklands. Grant is psyched about going too. I saw him yesterday. And Jon Partridge. That guy... I won't dwell on him. Damm this miso soup is amazing. When you get back  you can come over to my new flat (Nick Harvey and myself are moving in together, strictly platonic. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy, there's just no attraction there.). Tell me about yourself and how you're getting on?

Jon wanted me to film him, to show off his 'training'. Thank god he emailed me the request, because I would have laughed in his face. I wrote him a really accurate pitch, which basically shows off exactly what he does do in a 'training session'. His attitude is getting too much now. We went to a little comp at Reading, Jon turns up wearing sunglasses and a gold jacket, followed by a huge black gentleman with a dog lead around his neck (named Lloyd), Jon was holding the other end. Some poor punter walked up to him and asked him whether he liked his new Evolves. Jon turned around with a shocked look on his pasty white face and just vomited on the kid. Like a black bile vomit. Disgusting. After vomiting, Jon had a weird sly smile with bits of sick dripping at the corners of his mouth. Fortunately, Lloyd was close at hand to lick it clean. The kid started crying and Jon just looked him up and down and whispered 'take him' to Lloyd. Heaven knows what happened to the kid.

Then later it got properly awkward, because Jon was just walking around with his bodyguard (I assume), not even wearing his climbing kit and walking up to problems saying 'done' or 'tick that one Lloyd, that's a flash'. He didn't even climb. Finally, Tom Vassen plucked up the courage to approach Jon about his behaviour, but that went poorly. Jon just stared at Tom, with that weird sickly grin he has, and then the spitting began. Everyone turned to watch and Tom just stood there, shocked, whilst Jon kept spitting. Eventually, after 4 minutes, Jon finally ran out of spittle. He face reminded me of a rabid Koala. He then turned to 'Lloyd' and whispered 'I want him'. Never saw Tom again.**

Suffice to say, I think Jon's new Moorcroft Pottery sponsorship has gone straight to his head.



** Tom was found after 2 weeks of searching. He was found gagged and bound in the women's disabled toilet. He's ok, apparently you can live with the penis as an internal organ...

The child still hasn't been found.

Sodium is an alkali metal.

Many things have happened to me since my last entry. I have spent some money on plane tickets to El Paso, USA. I have been training a lot and I have been involved in a minor car accident (not an accident). I went climbing today at Amersham and I have decided that I'm crap at climbing. It's really hard and I don't think my body is naturally strong. I used to work on a building site with my brother in law (Glenn) so I was once very strong. Hmm. I've forgotten what I was going to write about. Ah, now I've forgotten everything. Damn it. My memory is bad. Well, actually it's not that bad. I can remember being spoon fed food when I was a toddler and being taken around in a pram thing. More like my short term memory is bad.

On Saturday we (Grant, Jon, Nick Harvey and me) went to The Castle in London. I like that place, there's generally a good amount of pretty ladies to give me the required psych to climb. I hate how it only sells vegan crappy food in the cafe area. I walk up to the counter and think 'Oh sweet, a pasty!' only to find that it's 100% meat free. Piss off. Even their cola is a stupid alternative cola, I guess selling proper Coca Cola or Pepsi is too corporate for them. Ahhhh. Coca Cola is fucking delicious. It's way nicer than that other crap. If it wasn't so tasty, it wouldn't be so popular. Hmm. Vegans. Still, they do sell Mars Bars and Opal Fruits so it's not all bad. We drove to The Castle in Jon's smart, yet ostentatious Mercedes. Within 5 minutes of getting into the car, Nick H had managed to find a way to remotely cut out all the music and also make an alarm sound go off. This annoyed Jon, which is exactly what Nick wanted. I don't know why Jon does this to himself. It's like the battered wife syndrome, always coming back. Once Nick repeatedly threw Jon's climbing shoes down a hill. I guess it's bullying, if you look into the technical definition of the term. Anyway, we were driving along when we came up to traffic. Jon wasn't pleased. He had to be back by 5 in order to base the thanksgiving turkey at his friends place. I looked at him and I knew something was up. Anger. The traffic moved forward a bit. Jon drove on and then police sirens went off at the opposite road, I turned forward and saw the car keep moving into the car in front. Fortunately, Jon's crappy crash alert system went off a good 0.5 seconds before we hit, which was enough time for me to go 'SHIIIITTT JOOONNN!!'. BANG. Well, it was more of a dull thud. Jon was livid. Not only did he bump into a car with all the fault being his own, the car in front was a BMW. I'm pretty sure he thought it was a Kia or something and so assumed that they'd pull over to let him pass... I'm getting bored of writing this now, so I'll wrap it up. Jon was annoyed for the rest of the day. I had one of the worst climbing sessions of my recent climbing life. We drove back and I watched a film called The Proposition. It's about early Australia. A good film.


I think I'll write another blog thing when my brain is feeling fresher.

Being amazing

I always knew I was different, special even. People would say 'Will's such a cool person', and I'd be like 'Cheers Gary' and he'd go 'How could you hear me?'. I never knew. NOW I DO. I've just had a hearing test at work (part of the health and safety stuff) and I not only passed, I have the best hearing in the ENTIRE COMPANY. 400 people +. The guy doing the test asked me whether I cheated, I said no, he said well you couldn't anyway, this test is designed so it can't be cheated. I told him that I knew I was special. Superhuman. It's my senses. I have great eyesight, taste and smell. I'm basically like Wolverine, but without the healing, strength, claws, hirsuteness, courage, longevity and Adamantium skeleton. I need to think of a way I can use my power to save people. Maybe I'll patrol the streets of Amersham. I'll hear police sirens and rush over (probably drive) and say 'Hi, I heard your sirens from about 2 miles away, how can I help?', they'd reply 'Thank God you're here, ok, we have 4 really hot ladies trapped in that burning building, use your heightened senses to get them out. Dammit. Ahhh fire, hurry, it's get hotter'. 'Ok, I'll do what I can'. I'll then proceed to rescue them. Hmm. While that sounds fun, mostly likely I'd be watching TV and hear the sirens and think ahh fuck that, Frozen Planet is on. Still, it's the thought that counts. I'd have to wear a mask or something. Actually, thinking about it, if they said about rescuing the ladies from a burning building, I'd have to decline. Firstly, the smoke and heat would ruin my sense of smell and secondly, that's pretty dangerous and I lack even the most basic fire fighting equipment.

Training and things

Nick Brown said to me 'Oi Will, if your blog was more about climbing and training than your life, as intensely interesting and engaging as it is, then I'd probably put it on my site'. That got me thinking. Fame. Power. Women. Hmm. Yes, I shall make my blog about my training for Hueco (my upcoming bouldering trip). Please read -

Tonight I'm going to do some weighted chin ups, press ups and core training in order to strengthen my large muscle groups and so get as strong and vascular as Grant Bateman. My god. He's an example of a man. Once he told me a story about this guy who was walking along Chesham's Berkhamsted Road, opposite Mighty Bite, when suddenly a man popped out from nowhere and tried to 'start something'. The guy (Len) immediately faced his enemy and prepared for an engagement. The man (who happened to be of Asian decent, I mean like from Pakistan or Indian rather than Asian in the sense of Orientals, I've made that mistake a lot on US porn websites) some how secreted an empty Pot Noodle cup and used it as a horn. BOOOORRRRRRR. Len looked at the guy with a surprised look (Grant didn't tell me that part, I'm assuming) and was soon faced with loads of other Asian men, some of whom were coming out of dust bins and things (I'm sure Grant told me this part). Then Len ran off, or got beaten up. Probably the later. Hmm. I thought I remembered that story better than I actually did. Still, you get the general gist. I was more struck by the Pot Noodle horn, I wondered exactly how the chap managed to turn it into a horn. Perhaps I'll try tonight.

It's time to go home now so I'll finish it later.

I have just remembered that I was going to return to continue writing this blog thing. After arriving at home I didn't try to make a pot noodle horn (didn't have any at home), in fact by that time I had forgotten that I was going to do that. I can't actually remember what I did that night. I think I went climbing. Hmm. I went training last night. I was going to do a big beastmaker repeater encore/1 arm hang sess. But I tired myself out warming up because there was a pretty girl there so I went into show off mode and got tired. I rested for a bit and then started the one armed hangs on the medium campus rangs. Then by arm really hurt (apparently from over training). Because both arms hurt by that point, I generally just dossed around, doing the occasional repeater and one armed hang. Jen Wilby told me that I should go home but I thought that would be admitting defeat. Then Keiran came over and we started doing feats of strength on the beastmaker. I can now do 3 mono chin ups using my middle fingers, 10 second hangs on the 45 degree slopers and 7 second half crimp hangs with my left arm on a medium campus rung (with 3.25 kg assistance). My right arm was shot to pieces due to one armed chin ups and general fatigue. It's a bit weird how my right fingers are weaker than my left since I'm right handed. I think I need to rest for a bit in order for my arm fatigue to subside and also start training arm power and also deep locks. Also, I've started doing repeaters while holding a 5kg weight between my feet. Pure core AND arms.