I have some body armour - it's resistant against 9mm bullets and also 7.62mm armour piercing bullets (when I put in the hard plates). I know what you're thinking 'Oh wow, that's the best thing I have ever heard'. Well, you're right. I got it from work, they were throwing it out. I thought to myself daamn, if there's one thing in life that I truly need, it's body armour. Sure, I can use it as a training weights vest, but the real reason is that it's cool and I can finally live out my dream of being a vigilante who patrols the Thames Valley region (anywhere within 30 minutes commuting distance).
I thought I'd email you because I'm on my lunch break at work (eating a lovely miso soup concoction) and I have just watched a video of Japanesemen climbing in Rocklands. Grant is psyched about going too. I saw him yesterday. And Jon Partridge. That guy... I won't dwell on him. Damm this miso soup is amazing. When you get back you can come over to my new flat (Nick Harvey and myself are moving in together, strictly platonic. Don't get me wrong, Nick is a great guy, there's just no attraction there.). Tell me about yourself and how you're getting on?
Jon wanted me to film him, to show off his 'training'. Thank god he emailed me the request, because I would have laughed in his face. I wrote him a really accurate pitch, which basically shows off exactly what he does do in a 'training session'. His attitude is getting too much now. We went to a little comp at Reading, Jon turns up wearing sunglasses and a gold jacket, followed by a huge black gentleman with a dog lead around his neck (named Lloyd), Jon was holding the other end. Some poor punter walked up to him and asked him whether he liked his new Evolves. Jon turned around with a shocked look on his pasty white face and just vomited on the kid. Like a black bile vomit. Disgusting. After vomiting, Jon had a weird sly smile with bits of sick dripping at the corners of his mouth. Fortunately, Lloyd was close at hand to lick it clean. The kid started crying and Jon just looked him up and down and whispered 'take him' to Lloyd. Heaven knows what happened to the kid.
Then later it got properly awkward, because Jon was just walking around with his bodyguard (I assume), not even wearing his climbing kit and walking up to problems saying 'done' or 'tick that one Lloyd, that's a flash'. He didn't even climb. Finally, Tom Vassen plucked up the courage to approach Jon about his behaviour, but that went poorly. Jon just stared at Tom, with that weird sickly grin he has, and then the spitting began. Everyone turned to watch and Tom just stood there, shocked, whilst Jon kept spitting. Eventually, after 4 minutes, Jon finally ran out of spittle. He face reminded me of a rabid Koala. He then turned to 'Lloyd' and whispered 'I want him'. Never saw Tom again.**
Suffice to say, I think Jon's new Moorcroft Pottery sponsorship has gone straight to his head.
** Tom was found after 2 weeks of searching. He was found gagged and bound in the women's disabled toilet. He's ok, apparently you can live with the penis as an internal organ...
The child still hasn't been found.
No comments:
Post a Comment